Ze Deep Thoughts & Some Big News

Citizens to Vote on Reagan Dollar Bill ()
December 11, 2009

U.S Mint Deputy Director John Mitchell has announced that a national referendum where citizens may cast ballots at any FDIC-member bank is to take place in order to select the design of the new 15$ bill:

On the heels of the Ronald Reagan Airport and U.S.S. Ronald Reagan aircraft carrier, citizens can now vote for one of two portraits of the former president to adorn the U.S. Mint’s upcoming $15 bill. “Choose either the young, General Electric Theater-era Reagan or the older, second-term-president Reagan,” U.S Mint Deputy Director John Mitchell said Monday

O’Reilly: We Should Try Coddling The Terrorists ()
December 11, 2009

In an Op-Ed which raised many eyebrows, Bill O’Reilly took an audacious position proposing to treat terrorists, including Osama bin Laden, as royalty:

Look, folks, we don’t really have a lot of options left. We’ve spent six long years fighting this war, and I don’t feel any more safe than I did when we began. So why not call up this Muqtada al-Sadr fellow and tell him that the whole Iraqi shooting match is his for the taking?

Now, I haven’t gone soft. I’ve never taken the easy road and I’m not about to start. Make no mistake, terrorists are no better than cockroaches. But as with cockroaches, if you see one, that means there are dozens more, and the more you kill them, the more there seem to be. We’ve tried isolating these bloodthirsty killers, bombing them, waterboarding them, locking them away in secret prisons, and still they hang on. But you know what we haven’t tried? Rolling out the red carpet and treating them like royalty.

Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave ()
December 11, 2009

In a surprise move, RNC chairman Michael Steel announced that, thanks to a 2 million dollars procedure, Ronald Reagan was raised from the grave to take the lead of the GOP’s revival. Polls show he is already more popular than Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney.

U.S. Deports Lou Dobbs ()
November 16, 2009

Apparently the former CNN host had been living illegally in the country since 1961:

WANTAGE, NJ—Acting on anonymous tips from within the Hispanic-American community, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials on Wednesday deported Luis Miguel Salvador Aguila Dominguez, who for the last 48 years had been living illegally in the United States under the name Lou Dobbs.

Traitors Try To Strip Constitution Of Its Religious Foundation
()
November 16, 2009

Famous nobody and self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, went public to defend what he believes is the Constitution:

“Our very way of life is under siege,” said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. “It’s time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are.”

Reagan Pyramid Nears Completion ()
November 10, 2009

In these watershed moments for the Conservative movement it is comforting to have good news from the Simi Valley in California where the Reagan Pyramid is close to completion:

“Only the most gigantic tomb ever created will be worthy of the Great Communicator,” said former Reagan Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger. “As his mortal subjects, it is our holy duty to provide Reagan with a burial commensurate with his stature, in order that he may enter the Realm of Death bedecked with raiments and honors so that he may take his rightful place beside the mighty Sun God, Ra.”

Limbaugh Threatens Obama’s Faith Based Existence ()
November 2, 2009

Rush Limbaugh’s frontal attack on everything Obama during his appearance on Fox News Sunday will no doubt have enormous consequences not only on Obama’s presidency but even on his actual existence. In effect he recently warned his supporters that he may cease to exist unless america believes in him:

“My fellow Americans, I am currently very strong and very, very real,” Sen. Obama told a cheering crowd of 12,000 at the Indiana State Fairgrounds. “Even here in Hoosier country, a traditional Republican stronghold, your faith has kept me from growing faint, becoming transparent, and slowly fading from view.”

We can only thank Fox News in general and Chris Wallace in particular for letting Limbaugh express himself virtually without interruption for half an hour so he could expose this president’s fatal flaw.

Talking Points Memo Defends Liz Cheney ()
October 30, 2009

In light of the vicious attacks the Cheney family has been the victim of, it is reassuring to see that even on the left of the political spectrum some will stand-up and say enough. Most lately Josh Marschall issued the following statement:

Liz Cheney, delightful person.

This is especially comforting considering the statement was issued the day after Liz Cheney rightfully chastised Pres Obama on Fox News Radio’s John Gibson Show for bringing cameras for his early-morning trip to honor fallen soldiers arriving at Dover Air Force Base.

Activist Judge Cancels Christmas ()
October 30, 2009

The secular progressive forces unleashed by Barrack Hussein Obama’s election have achieved one of their agenda’s main goals, i.e. canceling Christmas. The Onion reports:

In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans working to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of Christmas unconstitutional Monday.

“In accordance with my activist agenda to secularize the nation, this court finds Christmas to be unlawful,” Judge Reinhardt said. “The celebration of the birth of the philosopher Jesus—be it in the form of gift-giving, the singing of carols, fanciful decorations, or general good cheer and warm feelings amongst families—is in violation of the First Amendment principles upon which this great nation was founded.”

Google To Offer Complete Privacy In “Opt Out” Village ()
October 24, 2009

ONN reports:

Google was happy to announce a new feature to appear on its front page in the near future. The new “Opt-Out” feature will enable users who wish to stop using Google services to be deported to a safe heaven village with no contact with the outside world hence guarantying their privacy.

Lost Teabaggers? ()
October 23, 2009

The Onion reports

OLYMPIA, WA—With random cries of “Enough is enough,” “Do something now,” and “Huh?” thousands of the nation’s biggest morons descended on Washington State this week, some 3,000 miles from their intended destination of the nation’s capital.

ONN: Obama To Drastically Scale Back Goals For Country ()
October 22, 2009

ONN reports that after a visit at Denny’s President Obama was going to drastically scale back the goals for the country, i.e. he said:

What I saw at Denny’s made me realize how much I had overestimated the American people. Before reclaiming world leadership we must first stop eating six sausages and a pound of eggs covered in syrup for breakfast, and we must stop leaving the house dressed in sweatpants.

ONN: Obamacare To Execute According To Patients’ Wishes ()
October 22, 2009

ONN reports

President Barack Obama held a nationally televised address Tuesday to “clarify any misunderstandings” about his health care proposal, assuring Americans that under the new bill senior citizens—and not the federal government—will have the right to choose how they are executed.

Talking Points Memo Defends Fox ()
October 22, 2009

Josh Marshall issued the following statement

I think the White House went too far by revoking all of Fox’s broadcasting licenses.

God Made Me A Cold Anti-Gay Zealot ()
October 22, 2009

I am with Jane Kendricks on this whole gay acceptance stuff:

It’s a simple matter of logic, really. God made me who I am, and who I am is a cold, anti-gay zealot. Thus, I abhor gay people because God made me that way. Why is that so hard to understand?

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7 Responses to “Ze Deep Thoughts & Some Big News”

  1. k2 Says:

    The Onion is a satire zine. Are you aware of that, or are you fooled into posting this stuff as real news?

  2. Wannie Says:

    It appears only JUDGES have rights anymore. Last night I had a call from a lady friend who moved to No. Dakota. Her cancer has returned with a large tumor in her abdomen. She’s 200 miles from her Oncologist. A daughter close by is an alcoholic and cares nothing about her mother when she’s drunk. Friends help friends, which I volunteered my home for her recovery. She had a doctor in this area before she moved to N.D. Now, she has a place to stay and a doctor she knows. These are matters we should be concerned about….not taking rights away that are wholesome and good, but letting people enjoy their own way of living without a judge deciding what they can do and what they can’t do. My manger scene will be up this Christmas. God means more to me than what any judge says. I don’t believe that judge knows his Constitution nor the Bill of Rights.

  3. ROFL Says:

    …The onion is satirical

    Satirical
    adj.
    Of, relating to, or characterized by satire. See synonyms at sarcastic.

    I thought you may need a definition, being as your too stupid to realize that its a fake news website.

    • rectonoverso Says:

      Thanks for your diligent and thorough comment.

      Me and my staff will investigate the case you put forth and will take adequate measures if deemed necessary.

      Be assured we are committed in maintaining the high level of reporting the readers of our “Ze Deep Thoughts & Some Big News” section deserve.

      Sincerely yours.

      RectoNoVerso

  4. Vietnam Veteran Says:

    RectoNoVerso=Spam! Be careful of virus software.

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